My exam did not go well today. It was a midterm. Computer Networks. I’ve always found a hatred towards that piece of shit subject, even though, yeah I know, hackers and all the cool comp. sci. kids aspire in it. I’ve been more of a programming sort of guy. That’s the excuse I give myself for sucking ass in subjects that are not programming related. Lately I’ve been sucking ass in programming related subjects too. I’ve gone down a completely different path than the one I hoped to go down to. I’ve started writing and writing a fuck ton of stories. Stories that sell, or so my clients tell me. I’m a ghostwriter currently, but I don’t want this to be my main profession. My GPA sucks ass. It’s not enough to get me into grad school. I don’t want to go to grad school. I want a job at a kickass firm where all the hipsters work, drink organic stuff, and write poems about their vegan bicycles that run on corn syrup.
I’ve been prone to anxiety since I can remember. One of the first lucid moments of my life-back when I was 3 or 4 years old-that I recall clearly is my dad feigning fainting in the fridge upon beholding it stacked with chocolates that my aunt from Dubai brought during the vacations. Every one was laughing their asses off at his gag, but I was crying, thinking my dad had bit the dust. Death at the hands of chocolate- only less romantic than it sounds. Unrelated, but he can’t eat chocolate or peaches because of his cluster headaches.
When I was on the way to give my first O level exam, I remember being so anxious, I couldn’t breathe. Literally. My heart was beating so hard I couldn’t see straight from all the blood gushing wildly about.
It went well, my O level did. My F.Sc. exams did not. I sucked and stuck in that phase of my life two more years than everyone else and that phase left me with bipolar depression and proneness to psychosis.
Anxiety and depression, they play tennis with my mind at times, making me oscillate from one spectrum-where I feel like I’ve overthought everything to the point that I cannot perceive reality from delusions anymore-to the other end of the spectrum-where I feel so hollow and lifeless that I give up on living entirely-like I’m some sort of human volleyball.
Things never turn out as bad as I think them to turn out. And that’s the bane of my existence. When the world’s booing at me for dropping in the gutter, I’m thinking to myself, wow this isn’t as bad as I expected/anticipated at all.
It’s hereditary. The anxiety/depression, along with a couple of other ailments that I could have done without. Congenital knee pain, headaches, migraines, heart problems, over-large penises. Granted the last one is not an ailment, but walk in my shoes-with a dick that hung hanging between your legs making it difficult for you to function normally-and you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Antisocial, sociopathic behavior with tints of paranoid hatred mar my everyday interactions with others. If they’re not against me then they’re too dumb, and if they’re not too dumb, they’re obviously from the CIA or the Illuminati. One of my best friends is a Jew and she assures me that she’s not a Zionist. I still don’t believe her.
I work hard, but only to compensate for the guilt that accumulates itself because of my underperformance in other aspects. I’ll write a novel so awesome that my client begins shitting bonuses and praises that’d suffice an entire harem of instagram like-whores, but I’ll be feeling dejected because while I did write an impeccable novel (30,000 words in three days!) I skipped classes, flunked a test or maybe didn’t show up for a reunion.
I hate myself. It’s not an understatement. I do. I actively seek to uproot the pleasantness in my life in exchange for emotional turbulence because without the constant nagging of anxiety, I don’t know what to do or how to cope. I’ve embraced the heart-halting panic and made it my bitch just as much as it has made me its bitch.
The dropout bug has come back, and this time its too damn close. I graduate in a year (maybe I’ll spend one more year to improve grades and my GPA) and I can’t have educational suicidal thoughts in my mind.
God save me.