At 21, with 3 books published, do I think myself as successful?

I don’t.

Maybe its the perfectionist inside me that has me tethered to the concept of reaching the stars and everything else that I do, is deemed as, well, not success. I haven’t reached the stars yet.

I am stuck in space, orbiting asteroids and trying to breathe in this vacuum. It is difficult.

Maybe it is better that I don’t consider myself successful, or wealthy (which I actually am not) at this age. Having preconceived notions about success, false fallacies about fame, socializing in a pseudo-social circle, is damaging to the soul of a dreamer.

It would mean that I have fulfilled my dreams. I have nothing more to do. And that would mean that my dreams weren’t big enough. Weren’t dreamy enough. IT would make me doubt the level of intellect that I have.

A senior of mine at college told me that I was wasting my talent writing copywriting and fiction for less than the minimum wage. Is he right? If he is, how’d you explain Sherlock playing with flies? A doctor writing about a detective obsessed with flies?

Code. The essence of life. God, the ultimate programmer of all, meant for it that man should be in his image. Man, who knows so little and yet is so arrogant, should learn too code. To make a functional universe of his own within a universe. I want to code. I want to crack the code. I want to write my own code.

What is stopping me?

Last night I had a falling out with a friend of mine, who was also my ‘local’ client who provided me with writing work. I earned decent money but I didn’t feel fulfilment.

Maybe I do have ADHD. Maybe I write to stabilize myself. Maybe this is my self-medication. Then how come I write so good?

Does earning a shit ton of money means that I am successful ? Is that how low I set the bar for my success? I should probably break bad and start dealing drugs. There is a lot of money in that.

Brain death. Stagnancy. Crippled. That is what one feels if left to his own devices without motivation.

My brain telling me that I am not successful yet is a sure sign that I am not. Yet, anyways.

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